Something for your weekend

Father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.” Confused, the father asked what was wrong. “Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6 I got the ‘There’s  no Santa’ speech. At 7, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’ speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really shag each other,  I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

 

“Great” One Liners

1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message – “… If you want to buy Marijuana, press the hash key…”

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for  shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That’s like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘ Is it common? ‘ “It’s not unusual.”

14. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”  “Well,” says the vet, let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ” “No, because he’s really heavy”

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff… boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 People in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my Mum or my Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The Other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine’.”So that was nice.”

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in  several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

 

 

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef’s special  ‘ Chicken Surprise ‘ .

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

‘ Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband.  He hasn’t so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

‘Well sir’, says the waiter, ‘What did you order?’

‘We both chose the same’, he replies, ‘the Chicken Surprise’

‘Oh I do apologise, this is my fault’ says the waiter…..

‘I’ve brought you the Peking duck’

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