Stolen from the Sun, who in turn borrowed it from a new book out…
1) On school reports: My teacher said I was very epidemically bright. I was prowed!
2) On art classes: Today I painted an octopuss with big eyes and eight purple testicles.
3) In his own story: Time seemed to be standing still. Nothing was happening and I was getting scarred. I looked again at my cock. It hadn’t moved since I last looked at it.
4) On the choir: In last year’s Christmas concert, Linzie played the main prat. I played one of the smaller prats and I would like to have a bigger prat this year.
5) On Geography: In Scandinavia , the Danish people come from Denmark, the Norweigans come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.
6) On charity work: I feel sorry for the people in Africa. They are staring to death. They only get a little groin to eat. I wouldn’t like to eat groin.
7) On maths: The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls Santa on his Sleigh.
8) On automobiles: Helicopters are cleverer than planes . Not only can they fly through the air, they can also hoover.
9) On history: Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a big clipper.
10) On the 1930s: If you had no money in the 1930s, you could get some by going to a porn shop. The man at the porn shop had three balls hanging over his entrance.
11) On World War Two: Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them ostridges until the war is over.Some prisoners end up in consterpation camps.
12) On ancient history:In a field near my house, they think they have found the remains of a roman fart.
13) On the holidays: When it gets near Christmas, I get choclat penis. I get one every morning.
14) A prayer: Dear God, My wish is that there would be pis all over the world. Make the wars end and let people live in pis all their lives.
15) On illness: I went to see the doctor because I have awful crap. I woke up with crap all down my leg yesterday and I cuddent put my foot down.
16.) On hobbies: My hobby is insest. I learnt about all kinds of insest from a book I bort at a bring and buy sale. I speshly like aunts.
17.) On nuclear anxiety: My dad talked about weapons of mass destruction while eating dinner. I’m worried about this. I don’t want to get bumbed.
18) What she did at the weekend: This wikend we went shopping. I got some new shoes and mummy got a new pair of tits.
19) When I grow up: I would like to have lots of babys when I am a grown-up. My mummy says I need to wait until I’m older but Tina across the raod has lots of babys and she isn’t grown up. She also has lots of husbends.
20) Bedtime: It is verry noisy for me at night because we live above a pube.
Blackboard Blunders (Spelling Slip-ups and Homework Howlers) by Richard Benson is published by Summersdale, priced £5.99 is available at all good bookshops.
HE: I’m a photographer i’ve been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon .i’ve been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi!didn’t we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must’ve been once.i never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No,i’d like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must’ve been given your share!!!
HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It’s hot!!!
HE: I’d go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay,but would you stay there?
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! i’m having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on ,don’t be shy.Ask me out!
SHE: Okay,get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why,are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: why,don’t you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I’ve already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah,it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: You know I can’t seem to get your face out of my mind.
SHE: Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out of my face!!!
HE: When I look at your face, I can’t hold my self down..
SHE: And when I look at your face I can’t seem to keep my food down!
HE: You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
SHE: Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your mold!!
HE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as beautiful as you?
SHE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, i’m sure there’s no-one as ugly as you!
HE: Do you have a phone number I can reach you on?
She: Sorry, telephones are against my religion!!!
HE: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
HE: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
SHE: It’s in the phone book.
HE: But I don’t know your name.
SHE: That’s in the phone book too.
HE: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
SHE: Do not Enter
HE: I know how to please a woman.
SHE: Then please leave me alone.
HE: I want to give myself to you.
SHE: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.
HE: I hope you didn’t hurt yourself when fell to earth from heaven.
SHE: No, but it looks like you landed on your face!
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 am.”
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… “It is 5.00am; wake up.”
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90’s” — equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!” Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached.”Here, my love, enjoy!” Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”
One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. “Get the owner’s manual!” her husband shouted. “I can’t find it anywhere!” she cried, searching through the box. “Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.”
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man. “Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend. “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
‘Are you the owner?’ The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: ‘We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course we do.’
Jacob: ‘How about medicine for circulation?’
Pharmacist: ‘All kinds.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ‘
Jacob: ‘How about Viagra?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?’
Pharmacist: ‘Yes, a large variety. The works.’
Jacob: ‘What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?’
Jacob: ‘You sell wheelchairs and walkers?’
Pharmacist: ‘All speeds and sizes.’
Jacob says to the pharmacist: ‘We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.’
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days. “Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?” “Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied. “Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I’ll go down there and get her.”
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. “Mom,” she says, “I just found out that my fiance’s mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding.” The bride’s mother thinks for a minute. “Don’t worry,” she tells her daughter. “I’ll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony.” “But mother,” says the bride, “that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It’s such a waste not to use it.” “Who said I won’t use it?” her mother asked. “I’ll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner.”
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. “What are your plans?” he asked Joseph. “I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied. “Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie’s father replied. “But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?” “I will study, and God will surely provide for us,” Joseph explained. “And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?” “I will study hard, and God will provide for us.” “And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé. The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. “Now do you understand?” he asked. “I think so,” she said. “That was when mommy came to work for us?”
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. “Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?” With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”
My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last…
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!”, so I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”
– The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
– A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
– It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
– The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
– The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
– A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
– If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
– Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
– There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
– Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
– Women blink twice as much as men.
– The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
– When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate…they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
– Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren’t.
– Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
– If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
– The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
*** You looked at your thumb… Didn’t you?
Of course I love ya darling, You’re a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you’re gorgeous, I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side, I don’t mind a bit of flab
It means that when I’m ready, There’s somethin there to grab
So your belly isn’t flat no more, I tell ya, I don’t care
So long as when I cuddle ya, I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age, Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity, But I know ya did ya best
I’m tellin ya the truth now, I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy, That you’ve got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna’s grave now, The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as, I Was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like, I’ll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy’s on, And fetch another beer.
Exercise Programme. Take one Weetabix. Take one Aero. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix…
Some of my favourite replies….
“i dn get it”
“Can I just eat the aero?”
“that’s the bets joke you’ve ever sent me”
It’s like reading the reviews on DVD’s isn’t it? 😉
Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called.
Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)
Complain loudly that your neighbour won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.”Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 penny.””ONE PENNY!” exclaims the guy.The barman replies, “Yes.”So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?””Certainly, sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.””How much money?” inquires the guy.”5 pence,” he replies.”FIVE PENCE!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”The bartender replies, “Same as I’m doing to his business.”