25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees work is better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The stationary cupboard will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Joke

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her frontporch, reflecting on her long life, when–all of a sudden–a fairygodmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will begranted three wishes.
“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be reallyrich.”
** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
“And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautifulprincess.”
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front ofthem.
“Ooh–can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome thananyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak,he saunters across the porch in his catlike way and whispers in herear, “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered, aren’t you?”

Probably the funniest joke of the moment

A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm. “I’d like to buy a horth” he says to the owner of the farm.
“What sort of horse?” said the owner.
“A female horth” the dwarf replies..
So the owner shows him a mare. “Nithe horth.” says the dwarf,
“Can I thee her eyeth?” So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s eyes.
“Nithe eyeth.”, says the dwarf, “Can I thee her teeth?”
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
“Nithe Teeth…. Can I see her eerth?” the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up thedwarf to show him the horses ears.
“Nithe eerth.’ he says ‘Now…can I see her twot?”

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck andshoves his head deep inside the horse’s fanny. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: “Perhaps I should weefwaze that…

Can I see her wun awound

You were a child of the 80’s if…

1. Um Bongo, Um Bongo, They drink it in the Congo

2. You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

3. You know all the words to “Ice Ice Baby”.

4.

5. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery.

6. You had one of those T-shirts that changed colour with heat (Global Hypercolour).

7. You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, Wax off”.

8. You were upset when She-Ra, Princess of Power and He-Man got cancelled.

9. You remember Madonna in her cone stage outfit.

10. You knew “The Artist” when he was humbly called “Prince.”

11. You wore fluorescent-neon clothing… (if you can call it

clothing!)

12. You could break dance (ok, you wished you could)

13. You remember when Amiga was a state of the art video game system.

14. You remember M.C. Hammer.

15. You own any cassettes.

16. You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins, ALF or ET lunchbox.

17. My Little Pony, Gummy Bears and Transformers are familiar to you.

18. You believed that “By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!”

19. Big wheels and BMX’s were the way to go.

20. Partying “like it’s 1999” seemed SO far away.

21. You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.

22. You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we’d all be living in space.

23. You ever had a Swatch Watch.

24. You can still sing the rap to “fresh Prince of BelAir”.

25. You recorded songs off the radio with your ghetto-blaster

26. You wore those wide, colourful shoelaces.

27. You never questioned why the A-Team were always imprisoned in places that had sufficient tools to build an armoured tank.

28. Dungeons & Dragons was your favourite programme.

29. You remember when ATARI2 was a state of the art video game system. (Remember Pong)

30. You know who Max Headroom is.

31. You’ve heard of Garbage Pail Kids.

32. You did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck without having your arms in the sleeves, and you knew you looked like a superhero.

33. Your new winter coat was best used to demonstrate that your wings were like a shield of steel.

34. You still remember when the A-ha video was the pinnacle of modern technology and you can still sing all the words.

35. You wanted to be a Goonie (“Goonies never say die.”)

36. You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was perfectly normal.

37. You tried to convince your Dad to fit a strip of red lights on the front of a Capri so it looked like KITT.

38. You could buy more than 10 sweets with 10p

39. You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the word “Exterminate!”.

40. You know where to go if you “wanna go where everybody knows your name.”

41. You can remeber watching full house and saved by the bell for endless hours.

42. You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.

43. You know that another name for a keyboard is a “Synthesizer.”

44. You hold a special place in your heart for “Back to the Future.”

45. Your best mate had a Soda Stream at home and you were jealous.

46. Any elderly Scottish lady sounds like Supergran

47. You remember playing British Bulldog,

48. When ‘Computer’ Tennis, Pac-Man and Donkey-Kong ruled

49. You remember hearing the tune then running out to buy an ice cream cone on a warm summer night – 99’s, screwballs or a cider lolly.

50. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

51. Important decisions were made by going “eeny-meeny-miney-mo.”

52. Everything was Ace

53. You could drink half a can of Shandy Bass and pretend you were drunk!

54.You sang along to the Ninja Turtles theme song

Peter Kay Universal Truths

Peter Kay’s Universal Truths
Category: Life

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

4) You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a
calculator.

6) Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got
your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
an upturned plug.

31) People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.

Some questions, brought to you by Peter Kay

1. Why does a gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?

3. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it impossible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for
centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at
you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?

Rejected Kids Books

1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. “Whatcha’ Doin'” the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to “Elvis is your real dad” Mrs.Clause is your real Mom
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipies to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious…..
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad’s New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator