Newspaper reports

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph) *** …

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Call centres

Here are some real phone conversations, taken from a certain call centre of a certain University. Names have been omitted to protect the guilty. Caller : How long does it take to get the Uni from London Operator : About 4 hours by car, 5 hours by train. Caller : and how long by bicycle …

New priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, …

Winters Tale

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not just rattlesnakes. Here's a tale for a cold winter's night. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It …

Instructions

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: …

Mad but true facts

Butterflies taste with their feet. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. Ninety percent …