New priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, …

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South African tourism

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.    Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)    A: We import all plants fully grown and then …

Winters Tale

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not just rattlesnakes. Here's a tale for a cold winter's night. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It …

Instructions

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: …

Mad but true facts

Butterflies taste with their feet. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. Ninety percent …

Welsh swearing

As from: http://www.clwbmalucachu.co.uk Useful phrases - swearing We all did it at school, huddled round dictionaries in the playground or before interminable French or German lessons started, looking up naughty words like 'willy' or 'fanny'. Well, now CMC saves you the effort of searching for swearwords, profanities, scatological phrases and words that your gran would …

Newspaper errors

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord." ~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it …